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![]() Dato' Dr M SHANmughalingam was hyperactive in the debating, literary and drama fields and played football and table tennis in the V.I. First in Malaysia in the national pre University Sixth Form Entrance Exam with a 96% score, he was the secretary and later joint editor of the Seladang, steering the V.I. newspaper through one of its most vibrant periods. He was in the first group of Victorians in 1958 to be awarded the coveted "Club 21" badge for meritorious service to the school. He was the lead speaker of the very successful school debating team as well as the leader of the school quiz team from 1955 while in Form IV and chairman of the Senior Literary and Debating Society. Shan holds an Honours degree from the University of Malaya, a Masters from Harvard and a Doctorate from Oxford University. At Harvard he graduated First in class with Grade A in all eight subjects with "the best grade average for several years past" (Prof. John Montgomery). He was admitted to the Ph.D. programme directly without formal application. At Oxford he won the Gertrude Hartley Memorial prize for Poetry, a graduate scholarship from Balliol College and the second prize in the Short Story competition judged by famous novelist, Iris Murdoch and John Bayley, Prof. of Literature, sponsored by ISIS, Oxford University and The Observer. He was sole representative of the Third World in meetings with the President of Harvard University. On invitation by Harvard University he helped in the design of a new Executive Programme for Leaders in Development: Managing Economic and Political Reform developed jointly by Kennedy School of Government and Harvard Institute for International Development, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass, USA. He was on the Board of Selectors, Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University. Shan's short stories, poems and essays were published/broadcast in national and international anthologies in Australia, France, India, Ireland, Malaysia, Singapore, the UK and the US, in universities (Harvard, Malaya, Oxford and Singapore) and in national literary journals (Dewan Bahasa). His poems were published in Malchin Testament:Malaysian Poems, January, 2017, his latest short story and poem were published in TRASH: A Southeast Asian Urban Anthology and the Little Basket 2016 both launched at the London Book and Screen Week, at Kinokuniya, K.L. and Borders, the Curve, April 2016. Within 3 days of its launch TRASH was on Kinokuniya's weekly bestseller list. Another short story was co-published in ku.lit:asian literature for the language classroom by Pearson Education South Asia Pte Ltd and National Arts Council, launched at the Singapore writers festival. One of his poems is required reading for Form Two students in Malaysian schools. He is co-editor of An Anthology of Malaysian Poetry in English with Malay translation (Dewan Bahasa). One short story won the British Council Short Story Prize and another was an Editor's choice from 1,450 entries for Ireland's Fish International Short Story Prize. His poems are in New Voices of the Commonwealth an Anthology of Poetry in London with Nobel Prize winners, Derek Walcott, Wole Soyinka and Seamus Heaney, ISIS, Balliol College Annual Record (Oxford) and Asianist Asia in Paris. Participant and read own work at the 26th Cambridge Seminar on the Contemporary British Writer, Cambridge Univ., U.K. Participating British writers included Doris Lessing, Muriel Spark, David Lodge, Malcolm Bradbury etc. Reviews: For short stories, Far Eastern Economic Review (Hong Kong), The Hindu (India), The Statesman (India), the Edge, New Straits Times, Kaki Seni. Articles: Malaysian Culture Group. Dramatised Performance Readings of short stories and poems at the ASEAN India Writers Festival, Singapore, Jan 2018. Nottingham Univ., Jan, 2017, the Georgetown Literary Festival, Penang, Dec 2016, Readings, Seksan, Kuala Lumpur, the Cooler Lumpur Writers Festival, a two-hour solo Performance Reading at the English Language Teaching Centre, Education Ministry in Nilai, N.S., to 200 lecturers, teachers, trainee teachers and students, Nat. Univ. Singapore (NUS), Oxford Cambridge Society to 400 students, Performance Poetry with Director, Apples and Snakes, UK's leading performance poetry organization, 11th Biennial Symposium on Literatures and Cultures of Asia-Pacific Region, NUS, Dome Literary Readings, NUS with Prof. Edwin Thumboo, Taylor's College, Creative Writing class to 120 students, Univ KM, Voice and Place: Writers' Forum, Substation Guinness Theatre, Singapore, Garden International School, K.L., Lycee Francais de Singapour, Symposium Singapore-Malaysian Literature, Univ. PM, Creativity and Poetry Classes, Singapore Management Univ, Malaysian Culture Group and Book Club, IIUniv.M and Litfest Univ.KM. At Bookstores: Borders, London, Singapore, Kinokuniya, MPH, World Poetry Reading K.L. at Planetarium, at Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka and at Univ. Malaya, KL, at BFM Radio Station, Radio Fremantle, and at several national and international readings led by the then national poet laureate, Dato' Dr Usman Awang. Producers from Australia and New Zealand have offered to make movies of two of his short stories. His work has been the subject of theses in universities in Malaysia and Germany. Peter Carey, twice winner of the Booker Prize and Commonwealth Writers' Prize, in his 'My Life As A Fake' acknowledged "Malaysian writer, Dr M Shanmughalingam, not only offered advice and friendship but also allowed me to read his unfinished autobiography, which proved invaluable to my understanding of the Tamils..." and wrote that he "hugely enjoyed Victoria and Her Kimono and the humour in Shan's other stories." He was an interviewer on international and current affairs, film critic on Malaysian TV, and radio and a member of advisory panels to leading national literary and cultural journals in Dewan Bahasa and the informal advisory panel to TV3. He was interviewed on Malaysian TV profiling Royal Prof. Ungku Aziz ex-Vice Chancellor Univ of Malaya and Usman Awang and quoted in TIME magazine cover story, Dec. 9, 1996 on Tun Dr Mahathir, Prime Minister of Malaysia. At the Treasury, Ministry of Finance from 1962 to 1978, last post, Dep. Secretary (Economic). He led the preparation of the first-ever annual Economic Report of the Government to Parliament and initiated Socio-Economic Indicators in the Economic Report on the Quality of Life in Malaysia. He led official delegations in negotiations with the World Bank, the Asian Development Bank and several foreign bilateral agencies from Japan to the UK. He was a regular member of the Malaysian Government's delegation to the annual meetings of the Boards of Governors of the World Bank and the IMF and to annual consultations with the IMF. At PETRONAS from 1979 to 1991, last post, General Manager. He helped initiate and implement the National Oil Depletion Policy for Malaysia and was Chairman of the Committee for the National Gas Master Plan. He was a member of the first-ever Malaysian Government two-man delegation to attend the OPEC Ministerial Conferences in Geneva which led to historic cuts in Malaysia's crude oil production. He was also a member of the Malaysian delegation led by the Prime Minister to the UN Special Session on International Economic Cooperation and Development in New York. He was a PETRONAS representative at meetings with the Prime Minister, Deputy Prime Minister and Cabinet Committees. He was a Chairman and Lead Speaker at Pacific Economic Cooperation Conferences (PECC) on Energy Policy, Petrochemicals etc in Canberra, Jakarta, Seoul, Tokyo and Vancouver and a member of its Task Force on Energy and Minerals. He was Managing Director, Sri Inderajaya Sdn Bhd from 1992 to 1996. He is Managing Director of Trilogic Sdn Bhd, an investment holding and consultancy company from 1996 to present. Trilogic has helped list six companies on the Main Board of Bursa Malaysia. He was a Director of several publicly listed companies including Delloyd Ventures Bhd, Chairman, Remuneration Committee and Member, Audit and ESOS Committees, Director of PBA Holdings Bhd, of Mamee-Double Decker (M) Bhd (all listed on Bursa Malaysia Main Board) and of CIMB (L) Limited (Commerce International Merchant Bankers) He was a Director of CIMB Discount House Berhad, CIMB Securities Sdn Bhd, Hextar Holdings Bhd, Edaran Otomobil Nasional Berhad (EON), Chairman, Remuneration Committee and Member, Nomination Committee, of MIDF Aberdeen Asset Management Sdn Bhd, of Malaysian International Merchant Bankers Member of Executive Committee (MIMB, subsidiary of Malaysian Industrial Development Finance, MIDF an associate of Barclays Bank Group, UK) of Mahkota Technologies (General Electric Company (GEC) Malaysia). He was on the Committees of the Malaysian Administrative and Diplomatic Service (P.T.D) and its Alumni Association, Committee Member VIOBA, on the Board of the VIOBA Foundation and Chairman, Scholarship Committee. He sits on the Board of Trustees, the Malaysian Institute of Economic Research (MIER) and the international/ national advisory panel to the Asian Strategy and Leadership Institute (ASLI). He is a Fellow, Economic Development Institute, World Bank, W'ton DC, USA. Literary publications: Short Stories in:-
1. Marriage and Mutton Curry (to be launched in 2018) Poems in:-
1) Malchin Testament: Malaysian Poems, Maya Press, 2017. Non-fiction publications:-
Royal Team Player, Resource, Oct. 2016, Chapter in HRH Sultan Nazrin Shah:
Reflections and Recollections, RNS Publications 2015, Univ of Malaya Press, Kuala Lumpur. Contact: Trilogic Sdn Bhd, A 2-2, Mt Kiara Aman,
Jalan Kiara 2, Mt Kiara, 50480, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Birthday "I'm going to have a baby," Mrs Santha Ganapragasm confided to her husband. "Afterwards, afterwards, let me finish hearing the commentary, lah. West Indies are four wickets down already," the Lord and Master of the house ordered absentmindedly; "Vie can't you wait for a little while, ah?" Just then someone began to chant about some free gift offer or perhaps it was a pop song, Santha was not sure. Anyway she retreated to her housework. She would wait till the West Indies lost all their wickets. Settling among her plates, her pots and her pans Mrs. Ganapragasm attempted to hum a Hindi tune to herself. She was much too happy to let Ganam or his cricketing Gods upset her. I hope she's going to be a girl. She will stay at home with me all the time instead of roaming about like all these boys in neighbourhood. A little more chilli powder for the fish curry. Girls are reliable. They listen to their parents but not boys. You feed them, bring them up, and educate them. Once they start working they scoot off with some Chinese or Eurasian woman. How very treacherous of them. I think I'll call my little girl Nithi. She will have long wavy hair like her grandmother. And she will play the violin. Mm, the brinjals are cooked. It's almost eight-thirty and Ganam will be roaring for his dinner. I think I'll tell him about our little girl during dinner. "I say I'm getting gastritis," Ganam announced. "Vat, vat, curries have you made? You have been in the kitchen since I came from the office." Now it was the missus' turn to ignore him in this duet of monologues. She laid the table while Ganam measured the floor with his feet, chewing on his cheroot. The first item on the menu was white rice stripped of all its vitamins (and consequently more expensive). There were also mashed brinjals and lady's fingers. Ganam had eyes only for the fish curry. Reaching out for his regular dose of sour milk Ganam launched himself onto the food. While Ganam's fingers wallowed into his plate Santha decided to repeat her secret. Ladies secrets like murder will out. "You know what Ganam I'm going to have a b-baby." "Vat - a baby! Very good idea Santha." As if Santha had just decided to have one and he was in favour too. Slowly the words seeped into his skull. "I say, vie vie didn't you tell me as soon as I cam home, ah! You mustn't keep things to yourself like this you know." Santha smiled to herself. Ganam was not so bad without his cricket, his politics or his newspapers. Not oozing with gallantry but nevertheless very attentive ............. "Can I have the day off Inche?" Ganapragasm asked his boss. "My oif is delivering her baby today." "Sure," Inche Nik grinned. "I hope you get a boy. But girl also not so bad. We need someone to look after us when we retire." By the time Ganam reached the hospital he could see the rest of his troupe performing a war dance with their jaws. Towering above the crowd, totem-like but gesticulating and interrupting everyone else was his father-in-law, Arumugam. "That fellow is just coming, lah. Oi, thambi, hurry up!" Ganam responded to the call of the old buffalo immersing himself among Mr. Arumugam's subjects. Santha was in the operating theatre. "It's going to be Caesarian," a nurse hailed Mr. Arumugam. "But not to worry." "Macduff was born that way," ejaculated Arul. "Nor!" corrected his father "It was Alexander the Great". "I'm sure it'll be a boy!" Mr. Arumugam dispensed with all controversy. "He will grow up to be a doctor or an engineer." "He must get at least a B.Sc." pronounced Mrs. Muthuthambi. "My daughter is very stubborn. Insisted on doing Arts. Her father is very disappointed with her. What to do. Our children think they know better than us." "For a boy to do Arts is a complete an utter waste of time. Don't you think, Master?" quizzed Mrs. Arasu. "You're completely right," nodded the local Mathematics master. "Arts is for all those morons who cannot understand Science. Ganam wished they would stop jabbering but he knew better than to say that. Santha had been feeling a little weak for the past few days but of course the obstetrician knew best. If he thought Santha could take it that was all there was to it. As long as Santha was alright and the child was healthy he did not give a damn if it was a boy or a girl. "It's a boy!" trumpeted Mr Arumugam. "A boy, boy," chorused the rest. "Mrs. Pragasm is feeling fine," whispered a nurse giving Ganam a broad grin. Santha and the baby were alright. Was he relieved! "His nose is just like his mother's," said one. "He has got his grandmother's eye alright," whispered another. "He's even fairer than my daughter," admitted Mrs Sinnappu. "Thirty years I've been in Government Service and this is the healthiest baby I've seen," came Mr. Arumugam's verdict. You would have thought he was some Government midwife or other. "You see his eyes ... his nose, mouth, his whole face is exactly like his mother's; boys tend to take after the mother. I read this in a magazine the other day in the U.S.I.S. Library. I read a lot you know" gloated Sinniah, anxious to show he was too good for his Division 3 post in the government. At a tea party for Muthurajah's daughter's wedding Sinniah had reported that the other office fellows were boot licking his boss but he was going to be promoted on merit alone. Mr. Arumugam felt compelled to let his fans hear his voice again. "I tell you my grandson will not only be a doctor, he'll be a specialist. One look at his face and I know. Just like my daughter, Santha, very clever this boy, ah? I think he should be a heart specialist. My oif has been suffering from heart trouble since the Japanese occupation. I would have taken up medicine but my father couldn't afford to send me to college." "The bugger failed his Standard Eight, lah. Who's he trying to bluff?" whispered little Arul to his cheap matinee companion Retnam. "I expected Santha to get a baby boy. She's such a nice homely girl. She really deserves a son," said one. Obviously those with daughters were either not nice or not homely, reflected Ganam. He remembered Santha wishing she could have a girl. She would learn to play the violin. They would both go to hear her play at concerts and perhaps over Radio Malaysia too. They would both sit at the front row as they did at the cinema with their eyes riveted to the violin. Mrs. Sinnadurai was extolling the virtues of women who produced sons. In her past life Mrs. Ganam must have been priest or very religious person. The baby was the exact duplicate of Mrs. Ganam. Anyone who had seen Mrs. Ganam need not even see the baby. Poor Ganam. Nobody bothered about a mere postal clerk. Mr. and Mrs. Arumugam had donated their daughter to him because he did not smoke or drink. Why, he did not even play cards. They had many daughters and postal clerks were not supposed to request much in the form of dowry anyway. "Can I see you a minute Mr. .......er, Kana ...Kanapra" "Ganapragasm" "Well can I have a word with you," inquired the Sister on duty. "Sure". "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake. I'm really sorry." "What do you mean?" "We've got mixed up with the babies. Your baby is in Cot No. 13. Can you see a little girl in the pink cot. That's your baby." The silence was sudden. From a Lighthouse (for E.T.H.) I'm a lighthouseA lighthouse that's Fused. I'm a dark house A was, a has been, an also Shone. I'm a heavy house Broad crow feet roots and thin Waist. I'm a louse house A sorry, excuse me, I beg your pardon Mouse. I'm a jilt edged security house An unsociable, stubborn, stay put House. I'm a no house No place in the sea house Functionless. FIVE POEMS (Winner of the 1978 Gertrude Hartley Poetry Prize)
Civil Scream I am directed toI am directed from Am directed herein Am directed therein I remain your obedient servant Your obedient servus Servant, server of time $000 plus Cola plus housing allowance. Plus Seniority allowance Plus Mediocrity allowance Allowance, allowance, allowance! Timescale, Superscale Hail, Hail, Hail Not with a bang but with a Yes Sir. Auntie Climax Distant glances hintOf cramped pages in my diary Casual winks glint With unscheduled toasts in a hurry Rendezvous by lottery Only the exits are rigged Portrait pose but eyes jittery Excuse to stay each one out fibbed Mutual friend breaks thro' 'I can see you haven't met Come and say hello to Missus. . .' Weak smile of defeat Weak end of moral inhibitions and heat. Understanding Us The strumpet sidles byI'm so innocent, so pure I'm brand new We confess This is all Sanskrit to us But we understand The strumpet sidles by He's so innocent, so pure He's brand new We confess We've heard it all before And we all understand The strumpet sidles by Unruffled by yesterdays' Eternal loves We confess We merely want our money back Do try and understand At Home from Abroad The Asian who could not care'Tuppence' Is referring To his unsophisticated cousin Who's neither been abroad Nor felt at home In a lounge suit. He can tell you the British Election results county by county But you'll have to tell him That Bangkok is in Thailand and that Algiers is nearer to us than The Big Ben. The pure pale wife, the nasal accent, and The Course in Interior Decoration are designed for Exterior Display The loud reminiscence of Santa Claus in the snow is more than a Seasonal Greeting in the tropics. And so from Western rags to Accidental riches From richly earned native naïveté To accidental success Of the have beens (to England and the States) The foreign expert who echoes What the natives have been chanting For years only to see it Eagerly accepted and Faithfully implemented by the Natives. And so we gather round Hearing speeches by Clowns with woollen mufflers and dark glasses (Ninety degrees in the shade) About Australians who should know better Than to consider themselves Europeans in Asia. Interludes A fractured kittenSnuggled Into my world Whirlwind A hideous inflated cat Sneaked out of my cage Monsoon PARTIES As when you stick on a stale shirt AT BESERAH Smiles unpaid forNot as in the adverts Wholesome greetings Midst the emptiness of Ramadan The breeze giggles through nets Relaxing on the laurels of the last catch The China Sea regularly spurned Lashes back at the frigid beach Naïve mermen spawn Children and poverty On the periphery of octopus middlemen Are Malthus and Cooperatives two kinds of fish? No diesel engine, nylon nets No cancer, gastric ulcer No overdrafts for Savings Bank accounts No telephone. Sometimes we see a postman Parcel civilisation to Beserah By express post or cable Exile delinquent teachers and push Western leftovers East Little shrimp on the Malayan coast In the capital they have a whale of a time But we grow up in time for the elections Then deep freeze while ballot boxes rust Turtles laying eggs, a rare sight Air conditioned hotels, Yankee Go East Beach of Passionate Love. The kids ask Do people live there too? Shall we, lazy natives barter Our fishes for fish tails on Cadillacs Or hang on unenlightened, untutored, unburdened To our Nirvana What price your brand of progress? Jasmine Seller by the Sungei Gombak (Penjual Bunga Melor di Tepi Sungai Gombak) Had arranged to meet The Sungei Klang To exchange Effluent before the Affluent New pollutants from representatives Of all the communities And old-fashioned mud Many came to trade and Some to pray or to stare Beside the Stock Exchange The Commodity Exchange, the Rubber Exchange The Money Exchange and the Maya Exchange Peri amma conducted her Flower Exchange At the Maya Exchange there were New Maya for old two Maya for one My mirage is better than your illusion, Stocks are held up never shared Prepare to meet thy Broker. The Flower Exchange bent its stalks to none The time it took the Earth To rotate itself or to circle the sun These gyrations are gymnastic joys Not maturity periods for loans Or fixed leases on lives Her jasmines were age blind Old was young and young was old They mended tired souls born again in young bodies Fresh souls caught in worn skins This was no fadist Flower power turned sour Or gone to pot Nor retired spirit in force faded jeans Flowers without formula neither plastic nor paper Was this a new cry from the East and the South An encounter of the Third World Kind A rejuvenation of timeless philosophies and faiths Or just Mother Earth shaking her head and flexing her heart Seller at Money River Plaza (Penjual di Plaza Sungai Wang) Anything you wanWe sell You dowan Also can We sell some more Better still! What for You dowan? So stupid one Let other People buy Everthing-ah! Your simply bring Your Money Take home back Your money Waste time Simply stare stare How many window Window you can buy Like that Next time Better don come! Pertemuan Rohani Seorang Malaysia bertemu rohMeminta 3 cita Cita tak boleh Aku bukan pari-pari 3 soalan boleh Soalan Soalan-nya Kau kaum apa Kau makan apa Bagi nombor 4 ekor Spiritual Encounter A Malaysian meets a ghostAsks for 3 wishes No wishes I am not a fairy Only 3 questions The questions What race are you What food you eat What number for 4 digit Kuala Lumpur People Just Like Us One view in the WestIn Africa tribesmen Slaughter indiscriminately But in Eastern Europe There is a tragedy involving People just like us In Asia napalm or The atomic bomb were Alright for Asians But atrocities anywhere are A threat to mankind everywhere All are people. Just like us. Orang Macam Kita Satu pandangan dari BaratDi Afrika orang liar Membunuh melulu Tapi di Eropah Timur Tragedi melibatkan Orang macam kita Di Asia napalm Atau Bom atom Untuk orang Asia ta apa Namun keganasan di mana mana Mengancam manusia merata rata Semua-nya orang. Macam kita. Spring in London: Sparrow, Squirrel and Malaysian SparrowWelcoming spring and man In that order into Russel Square Cleaning out our paper plate of Baked beans and tomato sauce Immersing itself for a spring Bath in man's muddy puddle Squirrel Squatting without license Close to the bench we were Sitting on in Hyde Park Dining on his meal while We were eating ours His also carried out From the same establishment chain As our pancakes - his French fries from McDonalds Sparrow, squirrel and Malaysians Dining together in the Park May 4, 1995 At Cherating Three fourths of the earthIs water Yet the inhabitants of Part of the balance Control all Eat the fish Drink the water Pollute the beaches After a long journey From the city To the clear Gentle sand Of a secluded beach Wind in your beard Twilight on the horizon Paradise on earth Is not a dream Cherating, Pahang Digital Century We saw watches go digitalWhat if clocks went ditto The Big Ben silenced into digital Look no hands! Feet of clay? Would church bells follow suit Ambulances trail fire engines to Join this new conspiracy of silence Ask not for whom the bell tolls For it will not. Will man follow too Surrender bells, hands, feet As the Century turns, to be a digit Himself, without limbs, without sound Without chime, without rhyme A silent digit marking time marching Into the distant digital day May 3, 1995 Heir Conditioning Grand dad did you breatheBefore air cons were invented Wasn't it hard staying Alive without modern inventions Gandma weren't you flustered As you fluttered with paper fans Could you communicate before Faxes and long distance calls Became basic necessities? Grand child we lived Before your age because Of our ignorance, We did not know Pollution, stress, traffic jams Destruction of forests, streams and hills We feared God and nature Now nature fears you and Money is your new God May 4, 1995 Peace Several millionsTrooped out to Celebrate VE for Victory in Europe Day From the expanse of Hyde Park All the way to Their TV sets With several hours Of nostalgic sounds and Heads of State in hordes. A few hundred mere Heads huddled together Standing in total silence For one full hour In little Tavistock Square To commemorate all those Men and women who have Established and are maintaining The right to refuse to kill Their PE for Peace on Earth Day Two world wars Holocausts and Hiroshima Solved little for so high a price The time is overdue for An international treaty for The proliferation of Conscientious objectors to Military disservice and Volunteers for peace service For the future of our earth Tavistock Square, London High Rise (for Nirm) In the capitalsOf the old industrial world Natural parks and gardens Breathe fresh air into The lungs of their cities Our developing villages know Growth into tall towns and Even higher cities only by Shrinking our gardens and Jungles into concrete. Our Angsana to highways, high Rises and high hopes Can we develop so that More means better instead of worse In quality and equality of life? May 5, 1995 Art Historian Walking on a spring late eveningThrough the parks and gardens Past the British Museum and the University to a vegetarian restaurant Surrounded by art and classical music Owned and run by a poet Arguing the pros and cons of The pragmatism of the East Asian The idealism of the South Asian Argument for the sake of argument Democracy before development Sensitive, gentle and erudite Several research and conference Papers no time for the cinema Makes time for a committed Artist and even a dilettante poet Then fades gently into the spring night May 5, 1995 Seat of Self Learning Sitting in the parkOn a wooden bench Seat of self learning Introspection, reflection Meditation Kinships uncomplicated With birds Leaves, petals Blades of grass Statues for peace Where have I been All these decades Scheduled, treadmilled Programmed preoccupied Time only for Priorities, major Corporate objectives Key Targets More and more Of what? No time to stare At my inner self May 6, 1993 For more worse or both better? "Mrs Kandiah who More worse ah Your husbuurn Or my one?" "Puan Salmah both Also betterr Without their Backside behind Us how we Can grumble Everyday in The market?" "Complain, complain What for Mrs Kandiah? One day They divorce Us only. By SMS Some more" "You ah must Be a good Cooker. Simply Cook extra Hot hot Curry. Then sure They raash Back home" NAMING NAMES Kandiah was one in a million. Certainly at least one in a thousand, if one wanted to be fastidious about decimal places. His father had bestowed on him the same name that a few hundred other sires had granted their offspring. This proliferation of Kandiahs (and) Kandayahs, Kandasamys (and) Kanagalingams, Kanagaratnams, Kanagasabais and Kanagupeiars was to become the source of much creative activity in the community. You could not go beyond uttering any one of these names, let alone complete a sentence about him, without half a dozen members of the community pouncing on you with 'Which Kandiah?' or 'Whose Kanagaratnam? Sinnappu's son? Pariappu's nephew or Sinappah's drunken son-in-law?' If your listener wanted to be helpful, which temptation was rarely resisted, he would volunteer with 'You mean Railways Kandiah,' or 'You must be meaning PWD Kandiah' if the said gentlemen had retired, or 'JKR Kandiah' if he was still active as a builder of roads, the last word on the maintenance of government quarters or the first word on his chief clerk's lips. Such voluntary assistance in identifying the right Kandiah was always inadequate. There was more than one JKR Kandiah and half a dozen PWD Kandiahs on the loose. Since they were mere civilians, rank and serial numbers were out of the question. People carried their identity cards with them but it was enough trouble remembering their own. So 'You mean Kandiah IC No. 3318840, Kandiah IC No. 8813340 or the Kandiah 4418830?' would be most unhelpful. Since they were not accustomed to retaining surnames together with their given names, 'You mean Kandiah Bottomley or Kandiah Topmann,' would not have been of much help either. There were no surnames to live up to or to live down. The historian's alternative of 'It was Kandiah the Eighth who had only one wife all his life, Kandiah the Ninth who had none or Kandiah the Fifth who had never led his country into battle' was not available either. There were just too many Houses of Kandiah. The geographer's alternative of 'You mean Kandiah of the Valley?' or 'You must be meaning Riverside Kandiah,' was not closer to a solution. Most of the Kandiahs were found huddled in towns. They could not be distinguished by contours or compasses. The educationist's approach epitomised by the headmaster's query 'Kandiah from Form Five A or the Kandiah from Form Five D class' did not advance the subject any further. There were as many in the D now as there had been in the A class then. The first edition Kandiahs were unanimous in their reception of the reprints. 'They are all like Mr Xerox. They never do anything original,' complained one. 'Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to call himself Kandiah,' chorused another. 'Surely our people can tell the difference between the real McCoy Kandiahs and the roadside ones,' said a third. 'Which stupid fool cannot tell the difference between a King Kandiah and the garden variety,' asked another Kandiah who claimed to have suffocated a python or two in his youth. 'How can you compare an original Mona Lisa with a small, postcard Mona Lisa sold on the roadside,' snorted another pioneering Kandiah whose acquaintance with art was at an even more pioneering stage. The only artists he had been introduced to by his British expatriate teacher were Constable and Turner. He could not say for certain which one of his 'dynamic duo' was responsible for the Mona Lisa. 'You mean an original Made in England Kandiah should stay in the same room as a local product?' As rooms now were only a fraction out of those in the old PWD government quarters the indignities were enhanced. 'If the Americans and the Russians can have a treaty for the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons why can't we have one for the non-proliferation of Kandiahs,' queried one of the community's many international affairs specialists. 'How can we rely on these small boys to handle such a highly sophisticated name without getting into trouble?' 'A law should be passed to say that anyone who was named Kandiah after the War should be renamed by any lesser name.' From which Kandiah the controversy extended to which War and even which point of the said War. No sooner had the Kandiahs drawn the line for their war babies born at the end of the Second World War leaving the Korean boom offspring out, when another cluster of Kandiahs blanked out any heirs born after Pearl Harbour. 'These journalist Kandiahs think only of today. My son was born before the Japanese even heard of Pearl Harbour, jewel harbour or any other harbour. Any Kandiah born after World War I should be banished from this country to make his name elsewhere - not just rest on my father's laurels.' Prof Kandiah did his usual erudite summing up, 'This whole mess comes from too much freedom. How else can you explain this free for all, this chaos where the riff raff can grab names from our illustrious families - and in broad daylight too. There is nothing a man can call his own. Not even the name his own father gave him. If a thief picks your pocket he can be arrested. If he counterfeits money he can be jailed. If he sells imitation goods his shop gets raided. The state and the law are extremely good at catching small boys and giving out parking tickets. But anyone is free to plunder, murder and rape our names. What we need is a central planning commission for the naming of names. That may be radical for our Parkinson's Law committees who specialise in trivia like GNP, GDP and Gee, Gee, Gee. At least a Registrar of Individual Names is an absolute necessity. Imagine the chaos to our free enterprise system if every corner shop called itself General Motors and any scoundrel could set up a bank and name it the Bank of England.' 'Vat is all this vailing about, ah? Imitation is the highest form of flattery. The more Kandiahs there are the greater the tribute to the original Kandiah. Can a roadside artist sell as many reprints as Picasso? The more the merrier. Some of my Chinese friends kill themselves and their wives in the process to make sure they produce a son to carry on the family surname. We are getting Kandiahs not just at cheap sale prices but for free. And not just while stocks last but in perpetuity. Kandiahs of the world go forth and multiply. Don't be divided by doubt and dissension. As in the insurance business your target for this month should be a million. Surely we can do better than the humble rabbit with just his carrots.' 'Very clever my mass-produced Kandiahs. And how do we tell between Kandiah the distinguished and Kandiah the dumb? Which is the Hamlet and which is the drainsweeper of Denmark?' The community descended into darkness. Did Kandiah x equal Kandiah y? Wasn't Kandiah p worth at least 2 Kandiah qs? From this pitch of night a light flickered. A seventy year old Kandiah had stumbled on a means of distinguishing between himself and another Kandiah in the same queue to collect their monthly pension at the local post office. He had discovered a means of splitting all the Siamese twins in their community. 'It is the greatest thing since the splitting of the atom. No, no, none of this false modesty. I have never been one for any kind of falsehood. It is even greater than the splitting of the atom or Alexander the Great's cutting of the Gordian Knot. Our community shall be free. Free of confusion, chaos and calamity. Did you notice, the other Kandiah keeps hunching all the time, his eyes always drooping in the direction of his stomach? Eureka Kandiah, the answer to our dilemma, our Quo Vadis is before our very eyes. The nickname. 'Hereafter that Kandiah queueing in front of me shall be Vaithu Vali Kandiah - Stomach Ache Kandiah.' A thousand flowers bloomed. And this time the decimal was slightly nearer the right place. From apparent ailments the nicknames spread to portions of the anatomy. There was Kundi Kandiah or Backside Kandiah who was the butt of misleading jokes which suggested that he was a buttocks pincher or a queer. At the bottom of it all was a more innocent basis. This Kandiah used to amble like a matron. In the process he gave no little prominence to his posterior. The sobriquets were hardly confined to ailments and postures. There was Kandiah who gave lifts in his jalopy. That would be putting it mildly. He would not merely offer a lift but insist on one. Not just to friends or mere acquaintances but to just any passerby. There were no complaints about his driving or the nature of the conversation he struck with his passengers. His nickname arose from what he was in the habit of doing when his grateful and innocent passenger was about to alight from his vehicle. This Kandiah would clear his throat and announce the fare that he expected. That was Taxi Kandiah. A Kandiah whose transport perspective was slightly different was in the habit of loitering at bus stops. The furthest thing from his mind, however, was a bus. He lay there in ambush for any slight acquaintance whose car had to slow down at bus stops since there were few separate lanes for buses. On the surface of it he would be a ripe candidate for the title of Bus Stop Kandiah. But that was not to be. His cutting down on or rather eliminating bus fares from his budget was merely the last lap before he stepped out from the shadow of the bus stop to acquire his very own car. The number of streets with separate bus lanes and bus stops began to increase. Own-car Kandiah never looked back. He merely turned down numerous offers of lifts from his old acquaintances and his new ones with a 'No thamby. I've got my own car.' A variation on this game of musical cars was played by another Kandiah. His affliction was that he owned one car too many. His flourishing legal practice and his clients' penchant for sending him to exotic places overseas with their files and their money were the road to his troubles. He rode off in a different car each time and was late for his appointments most mornings because after deciding which tie to wear he had little energy left for the crucial decision of which car to take off in. Multi-Car Kandiah won friends and influenced people neither through a Dale Carnegie course nor through his winning smile. He would make strategic requests for lifts from potential ring leaders of the community who lived to tell their grandchildren, 'With all his limousines, Multi-Car Kandiah still preferred to ride in my car.' Lest it be concluded that Transport, Cars and Lifts had wiped out women, wine and song from the community we shall turn to other Kandiahs whose travelling habits were nondescript. They were given to joyous singing in all sorts of places including some very unlikely ones. Funerals, for instance. After much wailing, and screaming the womenfolk would allow the bodies of their departed to leave their households with just the men folk to the cemetery for cremation. At those otherwise thoroughly dreary occasions, these Kandiahs would burst into song. As they were religious songs no frivolity was implied. But it did not stand in the way of a veritable talent time as other Kandiahs burst into melody. One Kandiah would organise trips and pinics at seaside resorts for pensioners and widows with one object only in mind - song. More than one nickname was composed from all this music. There were Paatter Kara Kandiah or Song Man Kandiah, Talent Time Kandiah and just plain M. Kandiah, 'M for Music he would hum,' while M for money was on the minds of most of his fellow men. That was Kahang-Kothi Kandiah or Crow-Pecked Kandiah. While five-year plans and family plans were the in thing another Kandiah believed in letting nature take its course. As with the case of inflation, the number of his children had to be expressed in double-digits that would shame some rabbits and many a Roman Catholic. Asian grandmothers and mothers-inlaw are supposed to bask in the glory of the number of grandchildren they possessed. That was not to be for our proliferating Kandiah. 'What is this Kandiah? Like a dog you are!' She would reprimand each time Mrs Kandiah returned with yet another baby Kandiah. Dogs were considered of a lower social order than rabbits. His mother-in-law was therefore more concerned at conveying her low esteem of such behaviour rather than with the accuracy of the analogy from the animal kingdom. The reprimands did not prove adequate. Having breached the two-digit barrier he galloped past family six a side cricket, full soccer and then even rugby teams. That was 19-children Kandiah. Rumour had it that like the Group of 77 in the UN, the actual number exceeded this particular mile and milestone that hung around his neck. The energies of the Kandiahs were not all of the 19-children variety. Many of them were noted for their civic consciousness which was expressed in many forms. One of them spent much of his energies on keeping a particular society alive. This body had an unusual purpose which linked the next world with the present one. It focussed entirely on that point of time when its members departed from their bodies. Financial aid was available to the widows and orphans of departed members. This was provided within hours of their departure without numerous forms being filled in triplicate, followed by equally numerous reminders sent in duplicates. To take care of the funeral expenses and immediate departures the society collected a very modest sum of one dollar payable every month in cash. IOU'S, credit cards and other forms of non-cash or delayed payments of the monthly subscription were not permitted by a single device. The most important office-bearer in the society, namely the Treasurer, would turn up without fail every month at the homes of members with even fewer words than President Coolidge could muster. For this very first visit even he had only two words on his lips: 'One dollar?' For all subsequent visits his telegraphic style improved even further with just 'One?' So mesmerising were these words or rather was this particular word that the benevolent organizations surpassed the record of the World Bank and other financial organizations with Triple A credit ratings. There was not a single delayed payment, let alone a default in the history of the society's existence. As he rode or rather walked away into the sunset periodically after making the society's payments to the stricken widow many an orphan was heard to ask, 'Who was that unmasked man who just gave us all this money and left without a word before we could thank him?' Without so much as a 'Hi Yo Silver'or 'Kemo Sabay' from his Tonto? That was the work of Oru-Velli Kandiah i.e. One Dollar Kandiah. Another of the many civic conscious Kandiahs was able to do more than his quota of one good deed per day without any Gold, Silver or Tonto. The prevailing trend as Art Buchwald caricatured some time ago, was for people not to get involved. This Kandiah did not merely get involved, he got immersed totally in the favourite American pursuit of happiness and security. The slight variation was that it was not for himself but for others. He was Honorary Secretary of countless associations ranging from his school's Old Boys Association through the Boy Scouts and the Cricket Council to the Spastic Children Association. One of the more than seven parts he played in his lifetime was that of Honorary Secretary of the local housing areas Residents' Association. So vigilant a guardian was he of the security of all households in his flock that they had little need for burglar alarms, security guards or Alsatians. In this capacity his favourite story was that of the Senior Army Officer's house which was broken into in the early hours of the morning while the officer was away. The wife could hear the 'eight footsteps of the four burglars creeping up the staircase.' She screamed for help. 'She could have called for the Police, called out the Army, yelled for Securicor, Safeguards, the Home Guard, her neighbours or just hollered for help to the neighbourhood at large. Instead her first SOS was for Kandiah!' he beamed. That was Take-Care Kandiah who took care of everyone else before himself. Lest this turn into a census enumeration of all the Kandiahs - illustrious and otherwise - we shall wind up this tale with just one other Kandiah. He was the one whose creativity went beyond the trivia on birth certificates and passports as he went round giving nicknames to all the other Kandiahs. That was Funny Funny Names Kandiah. He was the Kandiah who told me this story. ![]() Last update on 14 October 2008. |